When you need someone to notice and care,
Can anyone hear you? Is somebody there?
What do you do in the cold of the night?
Nobody's there to turn your dark into light.
I'm not sure how it became this way,
All by myself day after day.
I want to go out but not on my own,
It's times like this I feel really alone.
Seven billion human beings
Yet I feel invisible and so unseen
It's hard to reach out to another to connect
Even if I ask, will they judge and reject?
I wonder "Is there something wrong with me?"
As people walk by they look happy and free.
Why do I feel like I am a waste of space
In this confusing world I just can't find my place
Alone, yet there are people all around.
Through all the noise I hear just one sound,
The chatter and laughter of a life I can't make.
What's wrong with me for heavens sake?!
I cry my tears until they are all gone,
I am so fed up of being the sad lonely one.
This is a poem for anyone affected by suicide…
In the dark of night, in the depths of despair
Would anyone notice if I just wasn’t there?
Would I be missed does anyone care?
Distressed, with too many thoughts in my head
I needed help but I just curled up instead
Too ashamed to pick up the phone
Anxious, overwhelmed and so very alone
Tired exhausted, I checked out for the last time
I woke up in hospital in my arm was a line
I was told I was silly and lucky not to be dead
With silent tears I forced on a smile instead
I had failed to die, I had just made myself ill
I couldn’t even get that right, I took the wrong pills
I am grateful that for once that I didn’t get it right
That dark cold tragic bleak December night
When someone is ill and close to the edge
Don’t tell them they are lucky they are not dead
Attention seeking those words, yes they were cruely said
Oh and to make it worse she clearly a little sick in the head.
Recovery was slow but I found someone to understand
With the kindest eyes I felt her take my hand
The silence broke, the damn could no longer hold
My story it slowly started to unfold
Suicide happens when all hope is gone
When you just don’t have the strength to carry on
With the right support I came back from the brink
I got kindness understanding and was asked what I think
Today I am glad I am still alive, happy and well
For many there stories, they sadly don’t get to tell
I am thankful that getting it wrong was so right
That I didn’t check out in the dead of the night
The ripples from suicide spread far and wide
Don’t let shame silence you and force you to hide
I promise no platitudes to make your heart sink
and I will listen and believe what you tell me you think
With love to all those affected by suicide
David came to see me over a year ago, he had been suffering from depression off and on for a number of years and was struggling to enjoy his sales role or get any fulfilment from it. The only reason for getting up and going to work was because David had to drop his kids at school on the way. He just couldn't see a way forward when he first came to see me.
We worked together for several months and were able to restore David's confidence and help him see a way forward. With renewed self belief he finally decided to take the plunge in his mid 40s to pursue his life long ambition to be a maths teacher. One year on David writes to update me of his progress.
Hello Mel - How are you?
I was sitting thinking this afternoon how things have changed for me this last 12 months, and the part you played, so thought it would be remiss not to send you an email and to say hello etc...
Well, this time last year I was a month away from starting my PGCE [Post Graduate Certificate in Education] course to become a Maths teacher. I am now 4 weeks away from starting as a fully fledged NQT [Newly Qualified Teacher] and lo and behold it will be at the school my girls went to, how freaky is that?!!
I just had an amazing year - one of those things you can glibly say "I should have done this ages ago", easy to say but then I think, would it have been as good, was I ready for it?
I just think the time was right ,everything fell into place, maybe it was fate?!?! I cannot believe how at home I feel with teaching, my state of mind and attitude is so different, I worked so hard and it never felt like a chore.
So, another big tick for you, I hope you are still doing well and thanks again!
David (Printed with kind permission of my client).
If you are struggling to find your way forward please get in touch maybe I can help?
I read a love letter some time ago written by Rebekah Harriman and it inspired me to write my own...
I would like to thank all my clients, who have shared their lives & stories, and all those people who are in my life professionally and personally and all those who may choose to come in to it..
I think my clients are so brave for seeking support at their most vulnerable times, I think we humans are all strong and courageous in our own way.
We all start off as beautiful human beings and some of us get nurtured and loved and some of us don’t get all that we need. Sometimes bad things happen to people and unkind words or actions wound, but I don’t think this makes us bad.
Life can be hard at times and just like a teddy bear we may gain holes, lose our stuffing, or even worse an eye, ear or limb. Some bears get lost all together and don’t know how or where they should be.
I am a tired little bear today; tired of a society that gives so many negative messages in our work places and schools, tired of a society where it’s not okay to be sad, angry, ill or in pain. I am tired of the idea that you just have to get on with it and you’re not allowed to complain, cry or have a tantrum. I am sick of the “Keep Calm and Carry On” signs I see jokingly placed in all gift shops, I would like to burn them all.
My signs would say “It’s okay if you can’t keep calm, and go into meltdown. It’s okay if you need to burst into tears. It’s okay if you need to go and scream and swear somewhere. You have feelings and you are fully entitled to have them and take your time to work through them. There will be very good reasons for having those feelings.” That would be a very big sign though and you might need a bigger wall for it!
We have become a nation that is often so frantic that we need everything quickly: quick fixes to lose weight in 30 days, a pill to fix this or that, even our food needs to be fast. We certainly don’t seem to make time these days, especially for our emotions and I wonder if most emotions are now seen as negative when really they all tell us something really important if we just took the time to listen and understand them.
We go to such extremes to avoid these emotions that may overwhelm us but I invite you to ignore the pressure to function “normally” when your world may be falling apart. I would like to tell you it’s okay if you are not alright, and if you are feeling emotional then well done, you’re a thinking and feeling human being and not a robot.
Stress and anxiety and depression are influenced by our environment – where we work and where we live – but more importantly by how we live. I wonder how we are expected to ever really function when sometimes we even save time by not eating or sleeping properly How do we expect our relationships to succeed when we just text or email and don’t spend the time talking to the people we have in our lives.
I hate it when I enquire how people are and they tell me they are fine. It tells me nothing at all, it’s the standard response people give. They may as well say “I am not talking to you, I am too busy or I don’t think you have the time to listen”.
We are always more than just “fine”; I am a human and I get sad, I get angry and swear too and sometimes I am happy as well. I allow myself the luxury to feel and think about things, for me just slowing things down means I can cope with what life chucks at me and if I can’t then I take the time to talk to someone, the time to figure it out.
I would like to live in a world where people are not afraid to say how they really are, where we have real conversations and it’s okay if you are not fine.
A world that’s supportive and understanding, where people feel connected, where there are honest and meaningful conversations with people who are happy, sad, frustrated, angry, in pain and every other emotion we can name. A world where fear and shame don’t keep us from seeking the support we may crave or really need.
Trust me; even robots need to charge their batteries or they risk short circuiting or running out of power.
I invite you to take the time to feel your emotions, to explore your relationship with your life and those in it.
With Best Wishes,